Friday, September 12, 2008

Admit It; A Blogger's Fantasy

Hello, is that KSV Woolfoot?

Uh, yes…well, uh, this is Kim.

Can I call you Kim, or would you prefer Ms. Velk or Woolfoot or something else? Say the word.

Uh, Kim is fine…

Well, Kim, I’m Sloane Abramson, from CAA?

OK. Hi. How are you?

Hi Kim. Fine. I’m fine. The question I really have is how are you today? I am so happy finally to have a chance to speak with you, Kim. Is it snowing up there yet?

Uh, Fine. No. To the snow I mean. It doesn’t generally snow in September, even here. Did you say Creative Artists Agency – like CAA?

Right, the LA office. Not Canadian Automobile Insurance Association. (Laughter). Kim, you might think that - living up on the Canadian border and all.

Well. I guess you must actually have dialed the right number.

Oh. Right. Well, sorry, Kim. Didn’t mean in the least to freak you out. It’s just, before we make these calls we do a little, hmm, light kind of background checking. Usually just stuff we can Google or get from your blog – no actual physical stalking or anything.

Oh. Well, that’s good to know.

Well and, Kim, it’s because of your blog that I am calling today.


Oh, we just love it here. Capital “L” L-0-V-E it. I was talking about it with Helen Mirren when she was in here the other day. You know, she was really taken with your post on her book. In fact, she was the one who put us onto you.


I’m sorry. I dropped the phone.

Right, well, I am guessing that was a joke because you are so funny. Really, I read a lot of blogs and I have to say I have never seen one that shows more genuine talent, strength of personality, depth of knowledge and just plain interest than yours.

Wow. Well, that’s so nice and really, no offense, but impossible and untrue.

Really, Kim. No joke I am a Hollywood Agent and I want to represent you! You know we represent writers too, not just movie stars. Right?


Well, Sloane, this is a joke right? You’re recording this, right? Give me your number and I’ll call you back.

(Laughter). I guess that’s the lawyer in you, Kim. No. Not joking. I guess you didn’t get my package?

Hmm. Nope, no package.

Damn, I mean, darn. I read your post on your two posts on St. Andrew and St. Paul’s and your Protestant churchgoing Grandma and everything - but then I saw you posted the Will Farrell video. I agreed that was a riot. Don't tell anyone but we're trying to get Will Ferrell to sign with us too. Not sure where you stand on the cursing issue – one of the things I just love about your blog. So hard to pin you down.

Oh I can curse like a drunken sailor. But the kids.

Right, Catholic school and all.

Let me call you back.

They said it would be there by 10. It’s 10 your time now, isn’t it, Kim?

Just about. Yeah. Oh. Wait. There’s the Fed Ex guy. Hold on. Hold on.


I have a box here, Sloane. A very big and heavy box.

Oh, great! Super! What timing. I think it’s a good omen. Frankly, I wasn’t sure if Fed Ex went up that far. It’s great. I had a friend from college from Vermont. But she was from Manchester. I guess that’s another world from North Troy, isn’t it Kim? I was going to visit her one summer but we went to Nantucket instead, where their summer place is.

Well, yes and no. North Troy is like Manchester minus rich people, restaurants, outlet shopping and prep schools. I am thinking of starting a Yacht Club here, though.

Funny, again.

I can’t get the, wait, this isn’t some Unabomber item is it?

Funny! No, Kim. See the Century City postmark. It’s from me. Open it up. I am so pleased to be on the line with you when you got this. I picked it out myself and really I am dying to know what you think.

Let me get a knife. Hold on. I, the tape...


There’s lots of bubble wrap. I recycle this so I am trying not to rip it. Wait.

Been in Vermont a long time, then? The recycling, I mean. Since about 1993?

Oh my God.


Where did you get all this?

You like it?

Well, yeah. I mean, it’s all MINTON in the PINK COCKATRICE pattern! AND , is it, yes, the Coffee Pot! Sure, how many place settings – like,

Only six; that’s all we could find. And believe me, my assistant tried everywhere on about three continents at least to get this. That pattern hasn’t been made in about 80 years. The woman we got this from said hers wasn’t for sale, at first anyway.

Oh my God!

Yes! It’s amazing isn’t it?


F*** How did you guys know about this?

Well, that “light bit of checking” I mentioned. We managed to track down that porcelain dealer on Portobelllo Road that you met in London this spring? He said the nicest things about you, and your daughter, “The Understudy,” I love that name by the way. I agree, way better than “Kid 1” and not so derivative of Dr. Seuss.


Yes, Kim?

What is this all about, really?

Well, Kim; I think I know the answer to this but I am not taking anything for granted. Have you ever thought about doing any screenwriting? Of course you’re not in the guild yet but we can take care of that…