In Case You Couldn't See the Video...

Here's a transcript from the Saturday Night Live archives
Old Glory Insurance

.....Sam Waterson


Old Lady #1: When my ex-husband passed away, the insurance company said his policy didn't cover him.

Old Lady #2: They didn't have enough money for the funeral.

Old Lady #3: It's so hard nowadays, with all the gangs and rap music..

Old Lady #1: What about the robots?

Old Lady #4: Oh, they're everywhere!

Old Lady #1: I don't even know why the scientists make them.

Old Lady #2: Darren and I have a policy with Old Glory Insurance, in case we're attacked by robots.

Old Lady #1: An insurance policy with a robot plan? Certainly, I'm too old.

Old Lady #2: Old Glory covers anyone over the age of 50 against robot attack, regardless of current health.

[ cut to Sam Waterston, Compensated Endorser ]

Sam Waterson: I'm Sam Waterston, of the popular TV series "Law & Order". As a senior citizen, you're probably aware of the threat robots pose. Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people's medicine for fuel. Well, now there's a company that offers coverage against the unfortunate event of robot attack, with Old Glory Insurance. Old Glory will cover you with no health check-up or age consideration. [ SUPER: Limitied Benefits First Two Years ] You need to feel safe. And that's harder and harder to do nowadays, because robots may strike at any time.

[ show pie chart reading "Cause of Death in Persons Over 50 Years of Age": Heart Disease, 42% - Robots, 58% ]

And when they grab you with those metal claws, you can't break free.. because they're made of metal, and robots are strong. Now, for only $4 a month, you can achieve peace of mind in a world full of grime and robots, with Old Glory Insurance. So, don't cower under your afghan any longer. Make a choice. [ SUPER: "WARNING: Persons denying the existence of Robots may be Robots themselves. ] Old Glory Insurance. For when the metal ones decide to come for you - and they will.

Are You in Good Hands?

Bless Lorne Michaels and Everybody Else associated with this:

Happy Day After Halloween & Adele News

Note that the stone-cold killer has a toile bag for trick or treat.

Does't it seem like it should have a name? As Boxing Day is to Christmas? Tooth Enamel Memorial Day? Too long. Not catchy. Never mind.

Halloween morning dawned snowy and cold on the Vermont-Quebec border. (I took today's banner shot at the Last House mid-morning yesterday). This snow had some legs, too. It was still there when we headed off for Stowe after lunch and is probably still up there because it was cold here today. Like, ice-box cold.

Shackleton (army man) complained all the way through trick or treat that he couldn't feel his hands. For the first time in all my Halloween history we had a sit down part way through so he could have a hot chocolate at Stowe's uber atmospheric Black Cap coffee shop (couches, paintings, enormous milk steaming apparatus etc.)

I hope that your Halloween was fun. Kids agreed that upscale Stowe was less fun and had worse candy than the impoverished border town where the Last House sits and waits.

In Other News

I have to admit my main impetus for dropping by the old blog tonight was to share the good news that Adele, of "19" the Grammy Winner and one of my great favorites, has FINALLY announced that her new album will be available in February. It will be called, you guessed it, "21". It's been, what, 2 years since 19? Oh dear. But she worked on this one with Rik Rubin (a hip hop producer supposedly of genius who also did great things for Johnny Cash very late in the Cash career so there you go). Also, there is a lovely new picture of Adele on her fetching newly designed website, in case you're also interested. I guess that means I will have to leave the house for a concert next year sometime.

Off to see if San Fran has taken down the Rangers. You know I have issues with Texas...

Shackleton Speaks VII

Shack's strong suits do not include reading and writing. Given an assignment to choose five of his ten weekly spelling words and write sentences, he goes for brevity. Also, he doesn't worry too much about the spelling aspect of spelling practice. This week's list included "flake" and "public". So, he told the teacher: "I like con flakes." The other sentences were similarly structured and short. My favorite, however, was "Not in public!"

We learned this week that our wireless internet connection is sufficiently robust to support downloading Netflix movies through the Wii. Amazing. It works great. We now have a 30 day free trial so, naturally, we spent a half a day last week watching movies. We saw the gorgeous movie Babies. You've heard about that. It's that fly-on-the wall (well, fly with a super hi-def movie camera) documentary that follows four babies from four different parts of the world through their first year. Lots of amazing photography and lots to think about. One of the babies lives in tribal Africa. He's a lovely little guy who gets through his first year with no baby equipment, toys or diapers. In one scene, he leaves a deposit of baby poo on his mother's knee. She grabs a corn cob and cleans herself off.

Shackleton turned to his sister and I and asked, "Anyone want some corn"? We shouldn't encourage him, but we can't help ourselves.

Maybe some con flakes?

Hope all is well with you usual stoppers-in. Thanks for continuing to come around. I haven't been out there much lately but I hope to catch up soon. Happy Halloween.

File This Under "The Flight Goes On"

I signed in to read my email tonight and was distracted, as I so often am, by the AOL news headlines. This one was: "What Happens When a Flier Gets Sick Midair?

I have wondered about that, so naturally I read the article. I was relieved to know there's a protocol - even for that worst case scenario:

And when a passenger dies, [the airline representative] says, there are clear procedures to follow. "If they don't respond, we move them to the floor for possible CPR," he says. "If after 30 minutes, there's still no sign of improvement and they're dead, then we have to go ahead and put them into a seat." Standard airline procedures dictate the person is to be secured in the seat, says Gailen, "so we move the person to a seat -- preferably where few customers are nearby -- and ask for volunteers to assist in moving the person, if necessary."

Directives also require that the deceased not block an exit row, that the eyes are closed, that a blanket is placed under the body, and that the body is also covered with a blanket.

I don't know which would be worse. Being the dead guy or the passenger who has to finish a full flight next to the corpse?

What's the etiquette around being seated next to a corpse anyway? What if it lists? Can you give it a little shove? What if the face blanket slips down?

What if it slips down and you see the eyelids are open? Do you ask the flight attendant to get those lids back down? I doubt, somehow, that she would welcome a reminder about the eyes-shut protocol that you read about on America On Line.

Would it be permissible to use the tray table in front of the dead body for that last little plastic cup, snack bag, and crumpled napkin that seems to take forever to get collected? Hmmm. And what of, the, er, loss of bladder and bowel control that generally accompanies death?

I am betting that if you are the passenger tagged for seat mate with a corpse, especially a leaking one, the flight crew would promise you the sun and the moon and the stars, or at least one free round trip, to be a good sport about it.

And what, I wonder, if I were the unlucky one who transitioned mid-flight from valued (or at least potentially repeat) airline passenger to most unwelcome cabin cargo?

I heard once that Oscar Wilde's last words were, "Either this wallpaper goes or I do." I am no Oscar Wilde, but I would like to think I might manage, what? "If I don't get a lie-flat seat right now, I am out of here!" or maybe, "No, I won't wait for the plane to come to a complete stop at the gate or for the damned seat belt light to be turned off"?

Oh, I know this isn't funny. But, well, you know.

May all your travels be happy and healthy.

Shackleton Speaks VI

Shack and I went up to the middle school just after dark today to wait for the Understudy to return from her field hockey game in the wilds of Montpelier. It is cold here in northern Vermont tonight and very clear. The taxpayers of the school district object to seeing lights on in or about the school at night with the result that it was very dark as we waited for the team bus. The stars were twinkling over the parking lot.

"Make a wish," I said to Shackleton. (He's nine now).

He did, and I did. Then he asked me what I had wished for. I said I couldn't tell him or it wouldn't come true.

"Did any of your wishes ever come true?" he asked.

I told him I couldn't exactly remember, but I thought so.

"Cool." He said. "It's like a lottery ticket, but it's free and it's in the sky."

Not Realistic - Real

I was watching TV this weekend and tumbled into a building show on PBS featuring a young couple (maybe linked just for TV purposes - it wasn't exactly clear) who were building one of those multi-dormered suburban mansions. You know the types - the ones that were so popular before the real-estate bust: acres of drywall, cultured stone this, electronically controlled that, blah, blah.

As it happens one of my (many) unrealized life goals, is to someday build the house of my imagination. If I ever get that far - you heard it here first - I will not allow the builders to put anything in it that provides a realistic facsimile of a real thing. I want plaster walls. Doors that are solid wood. I want a fireplace - actually, several fireplaces. These fireplaces are to be built of stone, or brick, or some other form of honest masonry. More importantly, on one will be able to turn them on and off with a remote. Logs, smoke, ashes. That's for me.

Not that you asked, but I have been building this house in my mind for years and it just kind of spilled out.

In other news... Still unpacking the old van with the unsold goods of last weekend. I went to an auction preview on Thursday and didn't go the auction on Sunday. This is a first. I think it's progress.